It’s Okay Not to be Okay

The truth will set you free. Sa sobrang dalas mong marinig ang linyang ito, gasgas na. Pero ang nakakatawa, kahit paulit-ulit mong naririnig, hindi mo pa rin sinasabuhay. Kaya hindi ka rin nakakapag-move-on. Magsisimula ang healing kung aaminin mo munang mayroon kang problema. Kagaya lang din ‘yan ng isang estudyanteng hindi marunong mag-solve ng equations or word problems sa Math. Kung hindi niya muna aaminin sa sarili niya na hindi niya kayang sumagot, at hindi siya marunong, forever siyang stuck sa item na sinasagutan niya. Kapag may nararamdaman ka nang symptoms pero binabalewala mo lang at hindi ka nagpapa-check-up, paano ka magagamot? Ganun din naman kapag gusto mong maghilom ang mga sugat ng pag-ibig. Kailangan mo munang aminin na hindi ka pa okay. Na hindi ka pa nakakamove on. Mahirap magsinungaling sa sarili. Hindi gagaling ang sugat kung pilit mong tinatago. Sabi nga sa kanta ng Ben and Ben, “Kung ayaw mong balikan ang iyong mga nakaraan, paano ka lalayo? Paano ka tutungo sa paglaya ng ‘yong puso?” Hindi ka makakausad sa panibagong kabanata sa libro ng buhay mo kung hindi mo pa nasasara ang previous chapter. May mga tao kasing ganito. Na-master na ang pag-supress ng emosyon. Sa tuwing tatanungin mo kung kumusta siya, “okay lang ako” ang lagi niyang sinasagot. Kahit gumuguho na ang mundo niya, “okay lang ako”. Nagiging defense or coping mechanism na ang pagsisinungaling sa sarili para hindi maramdaman yung lungkot o bigat. “OK” daw pero hindi naman talaga. Madaling i-deny ang mga feelings na hindi ka kumportableng harapin. Kaya nga may mga “torpe” diba. Takot sa feeling of rejection, kaya pinipiling i-deny na lang ang nararamdaman kaysa mag-confess at ma-reject. Para nga sa iba, “ignorance is bliss.” Mas gugustuhin nilang hindi na malaman ang totoo kaysa malungkot nang sobra dahil sa kung ano mang malalaman nila.

Remember: Huwag mong pagtakpan ang totoong emotional status. You cannot live in fantasy. Basta wala ka namang ginagawang masama, hindi dapat pigilan ang nararamdaman. Tao ka, hindi robot. Kung ibabaon mo ang emosyon mo, ikaw lang din ang mumultuhin niyan araw-araw. Parte ng grieving process ang pagkakaroon ng halo-halong emosyon. Sa dami ng emotions, hindi mo na maproseso kung ano ba talaga ang pinaka-nararamdaman mo.

Asahan mo na na pagkatapos ng hiwalayan, susundan yan ng listahan – The Bakit List. Pipiliting maipaliwanag ang misteryo ng paghihiwalay. Papasok na ‘yung mga bakit ni Moira – “Bakit umalis nang walang sabi?” “Bakit hindi siya lumaban kahit konti?” “Bakit hindi maitama ang tadhana?” At marami pang listahan ng mga bakit. Minsan pa, sa sobrang sakit, napapakanta na rin ng Natutulog ba ang Diyos. Concerned pa ba si Lord sa akin? Bakit Niya pinahintulot na mapunta ako sa ganitong sitwasyon? Dapat, tigilan na ang pagtatanong ng mga bakit. Walang magagawa ang paghahanap ng sagot sa mga tanong na si Lord lang ang nakakaalam ng sagot. Sa totoo lang, madalas, kapag nagtatanong ka ng mga bakit kay Lord, hindi naman talaga dahil gusto mong mabigyan ng sagot, kundi dahil frustrated ka sa sitwasyon mo. Although naqu-question ang faithfulness ng Diyos when you ask the why’s, ino-honor naman ni Lord ang pagiging tapat mo sa iyong nararamdaman. Pero wag na nating pilitin na unawain ang lahat ng bagay dahil limited lang ang capacity nating umunawa. If you cannot understand His mind, you must be willing to trust His heart.

Palitan mo ang “whys” ng “hows”. Instead of asking, “Bakit niya ako sinaktan? Bakit niya ako iniwan?” Ask yourself, “Paano ba ako nasasaktan?” “Paano ba ang mabuhay nang hindi piinaglaban?” Kasi kapag sinisimulan mo sa bakit, hindi natatapos ang mga tanong – nadadagdagan lang. Pero kung papalitan mo ang “bakit” ng “paano”, nagiging personal ang mga tanong. Nare-reveal sa’yo kung ano bang nararamdaman mo. At kung aware ka sa condition mo, mayroon kang magagawa.

Ang problema kasi sa iba, ang daling magsabi na, “Uy, mag-move on ka na kasi.” Tapos ie-expect na after a week, okay na. Parang kapag nagkuwento sa’yo yung kaibigan mo na malungkot siya, tapos sinabihan mong “wag ka nang malungkot”, parang magic na mawawala ang lungkot niya. Hindi ganun yun. Some things are easier said than done talaga. At isa na diyan ang pagmomove on. Alam mo ba kung gaanong effort ang kailangang ibuhos ng isang tao para masunod ‘yung mga payo mo? Parang inuutusan mo siyang magsulat sa right kahit na kaliwete naman talaga siya. Parang gusto mo siyang magsalita sa isang language na hindi niya alam.

Sabi ni Pastor Ronald Molmisa sa kanyang librong, “Lovestruck: Sakit No More Edition”, may mga na-witness siyang paulit-ulit na dahilan kung bakit challenge talaga ang makabangon mula sa natapos na relasyon. By the way, if you are interested sa librong ito, it is available in any PCBS store near you. Nais din nating i-recognize at pasalamatan ang ating partner here on Hugot Radio, which is PCBS Legazpi na mina-manage ni Ate Glo.

So, ano na nga ba ang mga great walls of harang na ito?

“Iba na ang may pinagsamahan.” The more na na-attach ka sa isang tao, the more na masasaktan ka kapag humiwalay ka na sa kanya. Ganundin, mas biglaan ang naganap, mas mahirap tanggapin. Exaggerated man pakinggan pero after a break-up, para kang baby na nagsisimula uling matutong maglakad. Kasi mahirap at matagal na process ang pag-alis sa sistema mo ng mga bagay na nakasanayan mo na. ‘Yung tipong isasabay mo sana siya sa order mo, pero mapapa-pause ka at maaalala mong mag-isa ka nga lang pala at wala ka nang pagbibigyan ng pangalawa. Kaya hindi talaga biro ang pag-usad. Sa dami ba naman ng bagay, memories at emotions na pinagsaluhan ninyong dalawa. Bumubuo na kayo ng mga pangarap sa buhay tapos bigla na lang siyang mawawala. Masakit talaga ‘yan.

“Nanghihinayang ang puso ko.” Minsan lyrics sa kanta, madalas linya ng mga kagagaling lang sa break-up. Kapag naghiwalayan kasi, manghihinayang ka talaga. Mahirap tanggapin na mababasura lang lahat ng emotional investments mo. Tinaya mo na ang oras mo, emotions mo, pera at panahon tapos biglang maglalaho lahat nang parang bula. Kung alam mo lang sana na ganito ang ending, sa taong sigurado mo na lang sana ibinuhos ang effort mo.

“May forever.” Hindi makausad dahil stuck pa sa idea na pwede ba silang magkabalikan, na baka isa lang to sa mga “challenges” na dapat nilang ma-overcome. Mala, “One Last Chance.” Para sa’yo, hindi pa naman tuldok, comma lang. Madalas nangyayari ang mga ganito sa NBSB/NGSB na first-timer sa mundo ng pag-ibig. Dahil nga si guy or si girl ang first, gustong maging memorable. Gusto na ang first, siya na rin dapat ang last.

“Naisuko ko na ang Bataan.” Minumulto ng consequences ng premarital sex o ‘yung pakikipag-sex nang hindi pa kasal. Dahil nabigay na ang lahat-lahat, nahihirapan nang kumawala sa relasyon. Hinahanap-hanap ang physical sensation or intimacy. Naghahabol kasi may ibinigay na hindi na mababalik. Dito rin nangyayari ‘yung “damaged goods” mindset. Kaya maraming babae ang nahihirapang makipaghiwalay dahil akala nila wala nang lalaking tatanggap sa kanila dahil sa nangyari. Sa mga lalaki naman, may iba na nilalamon ng guilt kapag nahiwalay sa partner. Hindi niya pwedeng iwan dahil baka wala nang tumanggap kay girl. Baka siya ang maging dahilan ng pagkasira ng buhay ni girl. O kaya naman, hindi na magawang makipaghiwalay dahil nga sanay na rin na productive ang mga gabi.

“Dahil mahal na mahal kita.” Martir-mode. Kahit na harap-harapan nang niloloko, nagbubulag-bulagan. Mahal pa rin daw kaya hindi maka-move on. Kaso nakalimutang mahalin ang sarili. Kahit ilang beses nang inabuso ang kabaitan, isang text at suyo lang, bumibigay na naman. Nasobrahan ang pagbibigay ng chance. Kung ganito ka, dapat sa’yo ginagawan na ng monument sa Luneta. Alam mo ba na ayon sa mga pag-aaral, the more na pinapahalagan mo ang sarili mo at alam mo ang iyong self-worth, mas madali mong matatanggap ang ending ng iyong nagging relasyon.

“Paano na ang future ko?” Marami ang takot sa uncertainties na dala ng hindi siguradong future. Iniisip na baka itong failed relationship nila, ito na pala ‘yung one great love na mae-experience nila sa kanilang lifetime. Lalo na kapag wala na sa kalendaryo ang edad mo, nakaka-anxious na baka hindi ka na uli makapasok sa panibagong relasyon. Nakakatakot din ang future na mag-isa para sa asawang inabandona. Lalo pa kung may anak na kailangang tustusan. Fear paralyzes people. Hangga’t nandyan yan, hindi ka talaga makakausad.

“Pamilya tayo rito.” Kahit na gusto mang mag-move on, hindi magawa dahil bukambibig pa rin ng pamilya. Mahirap talagang makalimot kapag ganyan. Yung ibang families nga, sila pa ang mas apektado sa break-up kaysa sa mismong nasaktan. May mga nasa loob rin ng circle mo na hindi naman din talaga naiintindihan ang nafi-feel mo. Dahil lang hindi ka na umiiyak, i-a-assume na healed ka na. Kaya naman ikaw, pressured din na maging okay na talaga. Nilalampasan na ang grieving process dahil gustong ma-meet ang expectations ng mga ka-pamilya kahit pa ang kapalit ay yung talagang tamang proseso ng paghihilom emotionally and spiritually.

“I am what I am.” Para naman sa iba, mahirap makamove-on dahil sa emotional make-up nila. Halimbawa kapag extrovert ka, mas mabilis kang maghi-heal kung madalas kang nasa company ng iba. Pero kung introvert ka naman, mas gugustuhin mong maghilom on your own. ‘Yung mga relationship driven naman, ito talaga yung nagiging emosyonal. Kailangan nilang i-feel ang drama ng buhay para makamove on nang tunay. On the other hand, mayroon namang task driven. Ayaw nilang magsayang ng oras kakaiyak sa gilid. Pino-postpone munang makaramdam ng emosyon. They’d rather spend their time being productive.

Also, another point na kailangang pagtuunan ng pansin ay ‘yung pagiging codependent. Isa itong psychological disorder na bunga ng matinding emotional attachment. Mala – Ariana Grande. Stuck with you ang peg. As defined, ang co-dependent person ay someone “who had let someone else’s behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling other people’s behavior”. Sa madaling sabi, kung codependent ka, kontrolado ka ng emosyon ng iba at in return, gusto mo ring kontrolin ang buhay ng iba. Ito ‘yung klase ng taong sinasabuhay ‘yung, “I can’t live without you.” Hindi sanay na wala sa tabi ang partner dahil matindi na ang intimacy na nabuo. Mahiwalay lang nang panandalian, nanghihina na. Kaya nga malungkot mang sabihin, pero binibigay ng maraming kababaihan ang katawan nila para hindi sila iwan. When you use sex to maintain a relationship, it could ruin your life. Nagkakaroon ng tinatawag nating emotional prostitution dahil pilit na binibili ang pagmamahal ng isang lalaki through physical intimacy. Ladies, maawa naman kayo sa sarili ninyo.

Kaya nahihirapan ang mga adik sa relationships na mahalin ang sarili nila is because they always see the need na i-please muna ang ibang tao. Tumataas ang self-esteem nila kapag pinupuri at minamahal sila ng iba. They feel important only kapag nasa isang relasyon sila. Kaya ‘yun nga, minsan umaabot sa puntong kahit pagbigay ng sarili nila, ginagawa. They seek validation from others. Kapag ang pagnanais mong “mahalin ka” ang motivation mo kaya ka pumapasok sa relationships, siguradong masasaktan ka. Kailangan mong matutunang magmahal ng iba nang hindi nababawasan ang pagmamahal mo para kay Lord, para sa iba, at para sa sarili mo.

Ngayong alam mo na kung ano ‘yung mga sagabal sa pagmo-move on, ano nang gagawin mo para maka-move forward? Simple lang, allow yourself to cry. Kung ikaw ‘yung taong hindi pa umiiyak ever since naghiwalay kayong dalawa dahil gusto mong magmukhang strong, ‘wag mo nang pigilan pa. Ang pag-iyak ay isang uri ng katapangan. Matapang ka kasi kaya mong sabihin sa sarili mo na may hangganan lang din ang iyong kakayahan. Matapang ka dahil kaya mong aminin na kailangan mo ng tulong ng iba.

Kagaya lang ‘yan ng illustration na nakita ko sa Facebook. Pinakita ‘yung dalawang sides ng paghihiwalay – ‘yung isa sa babae at ‘yung isa sa lalaki. Every stage ng break-up, kino-compare kung paano dini-deal ni boy at ni girl. Sa part ni girl, nung una lugmok siya. Iyak talaga siya, walang ganang kumain, humihingi rin ng company ng iba niyang kaibigan. Pero ascending ang process niya ng moving on. Mula brokenhearted, dumaan siya sa denial, confusion, acceptance, hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang mag-heal. Si boy naman, masaya pa siya nung nag-break sila. Inom doon, inom dito, punta sa mga bar. Lahat nang hindi niya magawa nung nakatali pa siya sa babae, ginawa niya. Pareho silang dumaan sa denial, pero ang dini-deny ni boy sa sarili niya ay ‘yung hindi pa siya nakakamove on. Hanggang sa ultimately, na-realize niyang hang up pa rin siya sa relationship niya kay girl. Sa huli, habang nakamove on na si girl, si boy naman, ayun – stuck pa rin sa relationship nilang dalawa.

Ang lesson? Ulitin ko ‘yung sinabi ko kanina – allow yourself to cry. Get real with your tears. Payagan mo ang sarili mong umiyak. Walang pagmomove on na mangyayari kung hindi ka magiging totoo sa nararamdaman mo. Kapag hindi mo nilabas ‘yan, sasabog ‘yan sa loob ng iyong dibdib at maaaring makaapekto sa iyong kalusugan. Importante ang pag-iyak para ma-resolve mo ‘yung pangungulila at lungkot. Kapag hindi mo nailabas nang maayos ang kalungkutan, dadalhin mo siya sa kinabukasan at kahit saan ka mapunta. Mahirap na laging may bagahe kang dala-dala.

Kaya nga you must confront your emotional issues head on, walang paligoy-ligoy. Madalas kasi dahil sa kagustuhan mong tumakas mula sa problema, lumalala lang yung sugat. You need to identify your emotions and take appropriate actions for their resolution. Karamihan kasi sa atin mas pinipiling maging manhid sa emosyon. Gumagamit ng iba’t ibang bagay tulad ng relationships, sex, alcohol, bisyo, sugal at marami pang iba na hindi naman effective na painkiller.

Marami sa atin, lumaki na sa ideya na huwag nang patulan ang mga uncomfortable emotions dahil hindi raw makakatulong sa atin at sa iba. Instead na i-express ang galit, nananahimik at kinikimkim na lang sa sarili. Kaya ang result? Nagtatanim ng galit. Sa kabilang banda, kung hindi mo itatago ang emotions mo, mas madali mong mauunawaan ang iba. Nagkakaroon ng communication. We develop gentler hearts. We can identify with people’s hurts and pains easily. Nagiging tapat tayo sa ating sarili at sa kanila.

Ang problema kasi sa society, kina-categorize ang emotions according to their beneficial effects. Negative daw ang malungkot, magalit, mag-alala at matakot. Kaya sa halip na ipakita ang mga emotions na ito, pinapalitan natin ng masasayang mga mukha. Instead na amining malungkot ka at kahit nakalipas na ang panahon ay hindi ka pa rin okay, hindi mo nire-recognize dahil nga negative ito. Pero sino ang niloloko mo?

Sa mga fresh from a break-up, normal lang na ma-depress dahil sa feelings of failure, loneliness, abandonment at sense of worthlessness. Pero, kahit na free kang maging malungkot, you should learn how to manage your sadness. Kasi kung hindi mo yan ima-manage, ikaw ang ko-kontrolin niyan. Magiging paralisado ka na. May kakayahan kang mag-decide kung kalian ka iiyak at kung kalian ka tatahimik. Mahirap naman diba kung sa 24/7 ay puro iyak lang ginawa mo. Syempre exception na sa iyak time kapag oras ng trabaho, o kaya may google or zoom meeting kayo.

Normal na malungkot. Ang hindi normal, ‘yung forever ka nang maging malungkot. Kahit na feeling mo ngayon ay pang-forever na ang lungkot na nararamdaman mo, believe me - may hangganan din ‘yan. Never ever doubt the slow work of God in your life. May mga bagay na hindi maaaring madaliin dahil kailangan ng maselang “soul surgery”. Ang problema kasi sa atin, hindi sanay maghintay. Kumbaga sa pagluluto, “microwave” method tayo pero si Lord, slow cooking. Madalas, nag-e-expect tayo ng mga bagay na hindi ipinangako ni Lord. Gusto mo ng instant healing pero hindi ‘yun ang gusto ni Lord kundi gradual transformation. At mangyayari lang ang unti-unting pagbabago kung unti-unti ring pagdadaanan ang proseso. Depression could be God’s way of slowing us down, trying to balance out our emotions. Let Him do His way in your life.

Darating din sa puntong hindi sa kung paano natin inimagine mangyayari ang healing. Maaaring iba ang gamiting paraan ni Lord para hilumin ang mga sugat mo. Pero this is a reason to trust Him all the more. His ways are always higher and better than our ways. Hindi natin kailanman reach ang wisdom ng Panginoon. Kaya naman do not look for quick fixes. Wag nang maghanap ng rebond o kaya maghanap ng prospect sa mga dating site. Wag nang patulan ‘yang abanger na nagpaparamdam. Sumunod lang sa commands ni Lord. Set your eyes upon Him. Kapag sinabing magpahinga sa presence Niya, huwag hayaang may umepal na iba. Kayo dapat muna ni Lord. Kapag sinabi Niyang itigil na ang mga maling relasyon, itigil na. Huwag nang matigas ang ulo. Si Lord ang pinaka-credible na magsabi ng, “Papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na ako.” Sovereign Siya eh, all-knowing. Kaya kahit masakit man ang maging proseso ng paghilom, trust the Lord. He knows and will always know better than us.

ENGLISH

As they always say, the truth will set you free. This saying is repeated so much to the point that you’re probably already worn out from hearing it. But the funny thing is that no matter how many times you hear this line, it still doesn’t show in your life. And so, you can’t move on. Healing only starts by admitting to yourself that there is a problem. It’s like a student who doesn’t know how to solve a math problem. If he won’t admit first to himself that he isn’t knowledgeable about answering it, he’ll forever be stuck in that same problem. If you experience symptoms of sickness but you disregard the signs instead of going to the doctor for a check-up, then how can you be given treatment to heal? It goes the same way with moving on, particularly with a heartbreak. Before those wounds of the past can heal, you must admit that you’re not yet okay – that you haven’t moved on. It’s difficult to lie to yourself. Your wounds won’t heal if you keep on hiding them. As one song by Ben and Ben, a Filipino OPM band, goes, “If you don’t want to visit your past, how can you let go of it? How can you go to the freeing of your heart?” You can’t proceed to another chapter of your life if you haven’t flipped the pages yet.

There are people who have already mastered suppressing their emotions. Every time you’d ask them about how he is doing, the default answer would always be, “I’m okay”. Even if his life is already falling apart, he would still say he’s alright. These kinds of people act this way as a defense mechanism. They won’t feel the pain unless they recognize it, and so, they don’t. It’s easier to avoid the feeling that you’re not comfortable with than to confront them. This is exactly why there are people who can’t confess to the person that they like. Because of the fear of rejection, they’d rather deny the existence of their feelings rather than tell them to that person and end up being rejected. For some, they believe that “Ignorance is bliss.” They’d choose to be unaware of the truth than to be hurt by what they would discover.

Remember, do not fake your true emotional status. You cannot live in fantasy. If you’re not doing anything wrong, there’s no need to suppress what you’re feeling. You’re a human, not a robot. If you would bury your emotions, they would come back haunting you every day. Having mixed emotions is part of the grieving process. Because of so many emotions, it’s normal to have trouble identifying which of them you feel the most.

Expect already that after a break-up, a list would automatically follow – The List of Whys. You’d be desperate to make sense of why it had to happen. This is where Moira De La Torre’s whys would come in – “Why did he leave me without saying goodbye?” “Why didn’t he fight for us just a little bit more?” “Why can’t I just have it right?”, and so many other whys. Because of too much pain, you may also find yourself questioning if God still cares about you. You’d say, “If He does, why did He let it happen to me?”

It’s time to stop asking the whys. Searching for answers to which God only knows the answers will lead you nowhere. The thing is, when you’re questioning God, you’re not after the answers. You’re just frustrated with your situation. Although God’s faithfulness to you is put to question when you keep on asking Him about the whys, the Lord honors your honesty about your emotions. But quit making everything make sense because our capacity to understand is only limited. If you cannot understand His mind, you must be willing to trust His heart. Exchange the “whys” with “hows.” Instead of asking, “Why did this person hurt me? Why did he leave me?” Ask these questions instead – “How am I hurting?” “How can I live after not being fought for?” When the question starts with a WHY the questions don’t come to an end. They pile up even more. But if you change the why to how, your questions become personal. What you’re feeling is revealed to you. And if you’re aware of your emotions and your condition, then you can do something about it.

The problem with others is that they would tell you today to move on and expect you to be okay tomorrow. It’s comparable to assuming that when someone is sad, saying, “Don’t get sad”, would magically brush the loneliness away. It doesn’t work that way. As we always say, some things are easier said than done, and this includes moving on. When you tell someone who had a fresh break-up to quit crying and just move on, you’re like telling him to write using his left hand even though he’s right-handed. It’s like making him speak a language that he doesn’t know. That’s how difficult moving on is.

Pastor Ronald Molmisa stated in his book, “Lovestruck: Sakit No More Edition”, that there are apparent reasons he had witnessed why it’s a challenge to recover from a failed relationship.

If there is the Great Wall of China, there are also Great Walls of Hurdles to successfully move on.

“We’ve shared time with each other.” The more that you’re attached to a person, the more it will hurt once you detach from him or her. Likewise, the more sudden a breakup occurs, the more difficult it is to accept. Although it’s exaggerated to say after a breakup, you’ll become like a baby who’s just learning how to walk. You must re-learn things again but this time, without him. There are times you’ll order coffee for two but end up canceling the other because you’ll suddenly remember he’s not there anymore. That’s why moving on is not a joke. It really would hurt a lot, given the memories and experiences you’ve shared. It’s devastating to plan a future with someone and end up fulfilling those dreams all alone.

“Five years wasted.” It’s normal to feel lonely because all those months or years had just come to an end just like that. It’s hard to accept that your emotional investments were just put to waste. You invested your time, money, and even your emotions just for it to be gone in a snap of an eye. If you had known it would end that way, you’d rather try it with someone who is sure of the business he’ll be making.

“I believe in forever.” You can’t move forward because you’re stuck with the hope of you two getting back together. Maybe this is only a test of your relationship, you tell yourself. For you, it’s not yet a period but a comma. This often happens to those who are NBSB or NGSB and are just new to relationships. Too naïve to think that his or her first partner should be the last.

“I’ve already given my v-card.” This is where some are haunted by the consequences of engaging in premarital sex. Because you already had a taste of what’s sex like, you struggle to get out of the relationship. You chase the person because you’ve already given him or her something you cannot get back. This is also where the “damaged goods” mindset comes in. Many women find it difficult to cut ties because they think no men would be willing to accept them. For men, they are eaten by guilt. They can’t leave the woman because of the fear no one would accept her after him. Or maybe, putting an end is a struggle because it already has been a routine to give in to the desires of the flesh.

“I love you so much it hurts.” You’ve become the martyr in your relationship. Even though you’re already cheated on the face, you still put a blind eye. You say that you can’t move on because you still love him, but you forgot to give yourself the same love. Even though he abused your kindness multiple times, one message from him would make you crawl back. You should be built a monument because you’re too kind. If you treasure yourself and know your worth, it would be easier for you to accept the ending of the relationship.

“What about my future?” Many are afraid of the uncertainties brought by an uncertain future. You may probably be concerned that your failed relationship might be your one great love of a lifetime. Especially when your age is already out of the calendar, the anxiety of quickly getting into another relationship heightens. The future is also scary for someone left alone by his or her partner, who is now required to raise their child by himself or herself. Fear paralyzes people. Until you overcome it, you can never move forward.

“We’re a family here.” Even though you want to move on, you can’t do it because your ex’s name is still the favorite topic of your family. It’s difficult to forget if your family makes you remember him all the time. Some families are even sadder than the person who went from a breakup. There are also people inside your circle who won’t really understand what you feel. Just because, they don’t see you crying anymore, they’d assume you’re fully healed. And so, you’ll feel more pressured to be okay. You discard the grieving process just to meet the expectations of the people around you, even though the price is losing the opportunity of undergoing the right process of healing – emotionally and spiritually.

“I am what I am.” It’s difficult for others to move on because of how they are emotionally built. If you’re an extrovert, you’d heal faster by being surrounded by the company of others. If you’re an introvert, you’d rather spend time alone in your room and heal on your own. Relationship-driven people are those who really tend to be the most emotional. They need to internalize the hurt so bad to move on. But there are also task-driven people who’d rather spend their time being productive than crying at the corner.

Also, another point to consider is being codependent. This is a psychological disorder brought about by intense emotional attachment. Alexa, play Stuck with You by Ariana Grande. That’s the peg. As defined, a co-dependent person is someone who had let someone else’s behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling other people’s behavior.” This person can’t literally live without you. He or she cannot be away from his or her partner for too long. Just being apart for some time already makes this kind of person very sad. Painful to say but many women give up their bodies just to stop their partner from leaving. When you use sex to maintain a relationship, it could ruin your life. Emotional prostitution happens because women buy the love of the man they want through physical intimacy. Ladies, please have mercy upon yourselves.

Relationship addicts find it hard to love themselves because they always feel the need to please other people first. Their self-esteem goes up every time they are praised and loved by others. They only feel important if they’re in a relationship with someone which is the same reason why some even give their bodies just to make someone stay. They seek validation from others. If you enter a relationship just because you want to be loved, you’ll be hurt and disappointed for sure. You first need to learn how to love others in a way that doesn’t diminish your love for the Lord, for others, and for yourself.

Now that you’ve already known the great hurdles to move on, you can now move forward. How? By simply allowing yourself to cry. If you’re the kind of person who hasn’t cried ever since the breakup happened, you don’t need to suppress your emotions anymore. Crying is actually a sign of strength. You’re strong because you can admit that there is only a limit to how you can collect yourself. You’re strong because you can admit that you need help.

That’s just like the illustration I saw on Facebook. The process of moving on was shown from the perspective of the boy and girl. For each stage, how each one handles the break-up is compared. For the girl’s part, she started crying, having no appetite for food. She also asked for the company of others. But her way of moving on is ascending. From being brokenhearted, she experienced a mix of emotions until she finally healed. On the other hand, the boy’s process was the opposite. He started the process happy like he was a bird finally free from its cage. He partied his lungs out. They both went through denial, but the difference is the boy denies that he still hasn’t moved on. Until it ultimately occurred to him that he was not yet over the girl. In the end, while the girl already had moved on, the boy was still caught up in the past.

What’s the lesson? I’ll repeat the statement again – allow yourself to cry. Get real with your tears. Allow yourself to feel the gravity of emotions. Moving on is not possible if you won’t be true to how you feel. Worse is it can also be detrimental to your health. Crying is important for you to resolve grief and sadness. If you don’t loosen the weight now, you’ll carry it for the days to come. It’s difficult to carry unresolved baggage.

That’s why you must confront your emotional issues head-on. Often, because of your desperation to escape from feeling it all again, the wound just gets worse. You need to identify your emotions and take appropriate actions for their resolution. Most of us would choose to feel numb and just opt for other temporary solutions such as a rebound, sex, alcohol, and vices. These are not effective painkillers.

The majority of us already grew up with the idea that uncomfortable emotions should not be entertained. So instead of expressing anger, for example, you just choose to shut up and keep the anger inside you. The result? The anger builds up inside of you. In contrast, if you do not hide your emotions, it would be easier for you to understand others. Communication happens. We develop gentler hearts. We can identify with people’s hurts and pains easily. We become honest with others and with ourselves.

The problem with society is that emotions are categorized according to their beneficial effects. Sadness, anger, worry, and fear are associated with negative emotions. People choose to keep a happy face even though they are not to conceal these ‘negative’ emotions. Instead of admitting to yourself that you still haven’t moved on even after some time, you do not recognize it. But who are you fooling?

For those who are just fresh from a breakup, it’s normal to be depressed because of the feelings of failure, loneliness, abandonment, and a sense of worthlessness. But although you’re allowed to be sad, you should learn how to manage your sadness. If you do not control your emotions, they will control you. You’ll be paralyzed. You have the power to decide when to cry and when not to. Isn’t it difficult to cry 24/7, except for work time or google meetings?

It’s a normal thing to be sad. What’s not normal is to be sad forever. Even though now, it feels like the hurt will last forever, believe me – it will all come to an end. Never ever doubt the slow work of God in your life. There are things you cannot fast forward because you need “soul surgery”. The problem with us is we do not learn how to wait. Comparable to cooking, we prefer to just use the microwave, but the Lord prefers slow cooking. Often, we would expect things that are not promised by God. You want instant healing, but God wants you to experience gradual transformation. That can only happen if you will also slowly undergo the process. These phases of sadness could be God’s way of slowing us down, trying to balance out our emotions. Let Him do His way in your life.

You’ll come to a point in your life where healing isn’t how you imagined it to be. Maybe the Lord will use unexpected ways to heal your wounds. But this is a reason to trust in Him even more. His ways are always higher and better than our ways. We can never reach the level of God’s wisdom. That is also why you must not look for quick fixes. Do not look for a rebound or try dating sites if you’re not yet okay. Do not fall for the sweet words of that guy who’s lurking around you. Choose to follow God’s commands instead. Set your eyes upon Him. Resting in His presence means not allowing others to take His time. It must be a special moment between you and the Lord. When He tells you to get out of a relationship that’s wrong, you must be willing to stop. Do not be hard-headed. The Lord is the most credible to say that “You’re just on your way but I’ve already come back and forth.” Of course, because He is sovereign and all-knowing. That’s why even though the process of healing may hurt you so much, trust the Lord. He knows and will always know better than us.